Let me tell you about a patient called Maria. Maria's mother was Greek. Maria is Greek. Maria's mother was very superstitious. So is Maria. Maria's mother knew and applied many wives' tales and home remedies to her life. So does Maria. Maria's life is a funeral, and I'm positive that her mother's life was a funeral too.
Today Maria came in for the first time since the Swine Flu has been in circulation. Maria brought her mask with her. Maria is sure that the government knows more about it than they're letting on because they aren't giving us more specifics about the Swine Flu; which symptom manifests first, how long it lasts, or that a temperature of 102.5 is very dangerous for adults. Maria is also sure because Cuba isn't letting anybody travel. Why would they do that unless they knew something? Maria is also sure the government knew before-hand that it was going to happen because her husband is going to give blood for their daughter's blood transfusion and the doctors told him that he couldn't leave the country for the entire year that he was giving blood. I assured Maria that it sounded like a standard precaution. Maria didn't remember ever hearing the doctors telling him that before. Maria warned me that I shouldn't go to the grocery store without using the sanitizing wipes. Maria asked me if we had masks at the office. I told her we didn't, but we had hand sanitizer and lots of Lysol=D But Maria has no sense of humor. Maria remembers when there weren't antibiotics and listed numerous home remedies for numerous symptoms:
For burns - put flour on it.
For bug bites - a paste of baking soda and water.
For bug bites that have already been scratched and irritated - a compress of vinegar
For swelling - a poultice of crushed onions
For a sore throat - a tablespoon of honey, then a shot of whiskey, and there's always tea with lemon and brandy.
Maria's brother got sick once and they gave him a milk bath. She isn't sure what it was for. Maria thinks it was to give him nutrition. (!)
Maria's mother bought a lottery ticket and Maria's sister gave their mother a black cat. Maria's mother was upset because it would bring bad luck in the lottery. Maria's mother won $10,000 in the lottery and said the cat brought good luck.
Maria also thinks that cats suck babies' breath.
So for twenty minutes, three times a week, my life is a Greek tragedy.
For serious? For realzies? This makes one inquire about the rest of the family. Is the daughter plagued with shouts from Maria to, "Sleep on your left side because the right causes infertility!" or "Don't touch grass with your bare hands because it may have been cursed by the evil spirits that live in dog pee!" or even worse, get a weekly spritz of milk from a spray bottle to improve nutrition?
ReplyDeleteGrandma says that both cat scratches and hair dye are potentially (nay, most likely) lethal - but I think that Maria has got BIGGER proverbial fish to fry. Although, she probably doesn't fry them because inhaling the aroma causes toe fungus.
What a confusing combination of remedies. Southerners and Mexicans have got it all figured out much more simply: for the former it's Pepsi, for the latter it's Vicks Vapor Rub.
<3